Almost every woman I meet has a story to tell about a failed friendship. Most often they have not one, but a few heartbreaking tales about the time they were betrayed, lied about, judged, deceived or made to feel used and unwanted. In all these stories, I have noticed one common thread. It always seems to be the other woman’s fault. Even I myself am guilty of sharing the story in a way that highlights me as the victim or minimises the hurtful things I did to the other person. What this tells me, is that clearly, none of us are examining the situation from an honest place and this is why we keep repeating the same mistakes thereby creating more enemyships than we do friendships.
If everyone is pointing a finger who then is at fault? Are we all just bad friends? and if so many of us are guilty, what are we collectively doing wrong that is causing us to deny each other a key source of support? I believe it is all in the way we “friendship”. Women have unique reasons and ways they form friendships that are distinctive from men. Men generally build their relationships from shared hobbies, business interests and sometimes just proximity, like working for the same company or attending the same school. Women, however, place a lot more emotional dependence on their friendships and so while they may work in the same company, have businesses that might complement and help each other or have similar hobbies these things may actually make them sworn enemies if they cannot make an emotional connection first.
In my experience, I have seen female friendships ignite from everything from a shared insecurity, a mutual dislike of the same person, quests for popularity and jealousy. Yes, jealousy !! Women try to form bonds with women whose lives they admire and want, solely to find their weakness and destroy them. What, did you think your ex friends jealousy started after you guys started hanging out? Think again. A shameful truth to admit to, and even harder to acknowledge, is that some of us have been duped this way. And even still, that some of us are that petty or that our self esteems are so fragile, it can be hurt by even the smallest infraction. With all these superficial reasons forming the foundation for friendships, is it any wonder why most of them fail. I myself have been a victim of jealous, vindictive and hurtful women. But I also have no doubt that I have caused pain to a few women myself, probably unintentionally.
The emotional cost of continually making the same mistakes by either being a bad friend or entertaining one is too much to bear. It makes me distrustful of every woman I meet. I then put up emotional barriers and look for ways they might hurt me because I was certain they eventually would. This is no way to live or build meaningful relationships so what I have decided to do, is to take time off from creating new ones until I’m emotionally mature enough to be the kind of friend to myself and others that I want to attract. I have already determined my mistakes and you too can take the time to discover yours. You too can fix your friendships by starting with yourself and figuring out what you may be doing wrong. If however, you are actually a good friend, which some of us truly are, then you must examine why you are attracting these terrible relationships that are not adding value to your life and fix that. Maybe you have bad relationships with the women in your family you need to fix first, maybe you depend too much on others to validate you, maybe you are choosing women for popularity or vapid reasons instead of for being good people. Whatever the reason, take some time for yourself, find and work on you, but until then allow yourself time to rebuild and heal and stop exposing yourself to the hurt and damage that comes from investing in enemyships.
Are you in any enemyships you need to get out of ? Can you be honest and admit you have been a bad friend? and how can we help each other be better? let me know below.