Are your friendships really enemyships??

Almost every woman I meet has a story to tell about a failed friendship. Most often they have not one, but a few heartbreaking tales about the time they were betrayed, lied about, judged, deceived or made to feel used and unwanted. In all these stories, I have noticed one common thread. It always seems to be the other woman’s fault. Even I myself am guilty of sharing the story in a way that highlights me as the victim or minimises the hurtful things I did to the other person. What this tells me, is that clearly, none of us are examining the situation from an honest place and this is why we keep repeating the same mistakes thereby creating more enemyships than we do friendships.

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If everyone is pointing a finger who then is at fault? Are we all just bad friends? and if so many of us are guilty, what are we collectively doing wrong that is causing us to deny each other a key source of support? I believe it is all in the way we “friendship”. Women have unique reasons and  ways they form friendships that are distinctive from men.  Men generally build their relationships from shared hobbies, business interests and sometimes just proximity, like working for the same company or attending the same school. Women, however, place a lot more emotional dependence on their friendships and so while they may work in the same company, have businesses that might complement and help each other or have similar hobbies these things may actually make them sworn enemies if they cannot make an emotional connection first.

In my experience, I have seen female friendships ignite from everything from a shared insecurity, a mutual dislike of the same person, quests for popularity and jealousy. Yes, jealousy !! Women try to form bonds with women whose lives they admire and want, solely to find their weakness and destroy them. What, did you think your ex friends jealousy started after you guys started hanging out? Think again. A shameful truth to admit to, and even harder to acknowledge, is that some of us have been duped this way. And even still, that some of us are that petty or that our self esteems are so fragile, it can be hurt by even the smallest infraction. With all these superficial reasons forming the foundation for friendships, is it any wonder why most of them fail. I myself have been a victim of jealous, vindictive and hurtful women. But I also have no doubt that I have caused pain to a few women myself, probably unintentionally.

The emotional cost of continually making the same mistakes by either being a bad friend or entertaining one is too much to bear. It makes me distrustful of every woman I meet. I then put up emotional barriers and look for ways they might  hurt me because I was certain they eventually would. This is no way to live or build meaningful relationships so what I have decided to do, is to take time off from creating new ones until I’m emotionally mature enough to be the kind of friend to myself and others that I want to attract. I have already determined my mistakes and you too can take the time to discover yours. You too can fix your friendships by starting with yourself and figuring out what you may be doing wrong.  If however, you are actually a good friend, which some of us truly are, then you must examine why you are attracting these terrible relationships that are not adding value to your life and fix that. Maybe you have bad relationships with the women in your family you need to fix first, maybe you depend too much on others to validate you, maybe you are choosing women for popularity or vapid reasons instead of for being good people. Whatever the reason, take some time for yourself, find and work on you, but until then allow yourself time to rebuild and heal and stop exposing yourself to the hurt and damage that comes from investing in enemyships.

Are you in any enemyships you need to get out of ? Can you be honest and admit you have been a bad friend? and how can we help each other be better? let me know below.

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6 Comments

  1. I think I have been a bad friend in regards to not keep in contact with my so called friends, it’s not something that I do on purpose im just the kind of person that doesn’t enjoy being on the phone every single day or seeing people often.. but i think if one chooses to be friends with me they should understand im not the the chatty type all the times but know i still value the friendship.. .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is an AWESOME read!! I wish I could like it a million times, and when I decide to get back into social media I plan on sharing this blog. It’s a terrible thing that we as women look for ways to destroy each other instead of lifting one another up. Jealousy is a huge factor in friendships and like you said if mentally, emotionally, and spiritually YOU are not in a stable place with yourself there’s no way you can provide any sort of support to another person. You must first learn to LOVE yourself wholeheartedly before you can try to build any type of relationship with any other person.

    Lots of friendships fail because there is too much competition…when you find a person that compliments you and you compliment as well then you know you’ve found a true friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t understand why we compete with each other. If we only try to tear each other down then we all lose but if we channel that energy into supporting each other to be our best individual selves it collectively benefits us so much more. Thanks for stopping by !

    p.s you have to have social media pages especially for your blog. Its a great marketing tool and an easy way to connect people to your plartform.

    Like

  4. I’m turning 40 in a few weeks, and I can certainly identify with this. I’ve gone through some major friendship turmoil in my 20s and early 30s that were devastating and sometimes involved groups of us having big drama issues. The insight I can offer now is that as I have gotten more settled into my own life and gotten to know myself better, I’ve become a much better judge of character. So when I make a new friend who I can tell is drama, I keep them at an appropriate arms length distance. The friendships that have survived are mostly long lasting now (20 year range) so my biggest struggle is finding time and ways to keep up my friendships and be a good friend while we are all busy working, raising kids, etc. We find it easy to lean on our friends when we need them, but we have to remember to give just as much as we take.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad that you, like me, have admited that it devastated you. Most women like to pretend they they weren’t attached to lost friends and the ending of the relationship didn’t bother them at all. Meanwhile they carry the hurt with them into their next friendship. I’m scared honestly so right now my sole focus is my family. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience.

      Like

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